+Vulnerability

Recently, I applied for an artist grant with some of my Trinity series paintings, and I did not get it. I wondered whose eyes were on my work, my words, my efforts. I wondered how long it took to decide to reject my submission. It can be daunting, the kind of rejection you feel when you’ve poured yourself into something so meaningful. Equally, social media has a way of getting under your skin when you share such vulnerability, too. Support goes a long way and can really lift you, pushing you into greater ambitions, and makes you less inhibited to share yourself.

The Trinity series is complete. It was done well before I even knew about the grant, and I committed to making it with the understanding that they may not sell if I did decide to exhibit them because it felt important to me to do them. I split my time with tattooing, traveling back and forth between Ohio and New Mexico, in a financial free fall for half the month for an entire year. It was worth it. No one asked me to, there was no deadline, no pending exhibition, no growing interests awaiting their release. It was risky but more importantly it was the freedom I chose to make what rushed through my mind and hands while I could. I’d do it again if the urge strikes. I always will.

This all has me thinking about how far encouragement goes for creative people. I didn’t grow up with massive populations perusing my work online. The creative urge strikes and I’m all in, at all costs, because I feel driven by that fury unbridled. To put too much pressure on myself to please the eye of others is as far from the pure drive as it gets for me. Although appreciation for the work feels good, it cannot be relied upon to any degree, and it cannot play a hand in the process of making, as that is a form of corruption that has no place in the creative process.